Therapy for People-Pleasing & Perfectionism
The only approval you need is your own.
Online counseling across Minnesota for adults seeking to transform their “niceness” into “kindness.”
You never expected that simply trying to do your best would paralyze you.
It feels impossible to say “no,” even when it’s something you don’t care for.
Anything that doesn’t go according to (a meticulous, time-intensive) plan feels like an abject failure.
You find yourself quietly growing resentful that no one looks out for what you want or need, even though all you do is look out for them.
Most of your energy is spent worrying about what others might think about what you do or say.
You’ve been noticing that…
You’re ready to take your self-worth into your own hands.
You’ve been dealing with these struggles for so long that they feel like they’re part of your personality; part of who you are. They show up at work, whispering that you need to spend 30 minutes making sure that the email you’re drafting is grammatically perfect otherwise your boss will think you’re stupid. Or they show up in your relationships, hovering on your shoulder pointing out that this is the time your friends finally get mad at you that they always have to make the decisions for the group because you never have an opinion.
Whether you struggle with people-pleasing or perfectionism (or a super fun mixture of each!), they’re two sides of the same coin: you’re sacrificing your needs and well-being for the sake of others’. It’ll feel like you’re being the villain if you do anything differently, but in reality you’ll simply be adding your character to the story.
And it could be the most loving thing you’ll ever do for yourself.
Here’s how we can make it happen together…
My approach to therapy for people-pleasing and perfectionism:
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People-pleasing and perfectionism are seemingly automatic responses that have deeply insidious roots in early childhood. The more you become aware of how those roots began and the patterns they led to, the more power and autonomy you have to make better decisions in the future.
When you can name it, you can tame it.
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At the core of the emotional wounding behind these challenges is the suppression (or repression) of your own feelings and needs for the sake of other peoples’ feelings and needs. Because this wounding tends to happen at a young age, many folks grow into adults that have very little awareness of what their true feelings and needs are.
The path toward healing involves a healthy and mature understanding of how our emotions, thoughts, needs, and actions are all intertwined with our experiences.
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We’ve all felt that “ick” when we experience something that doesn’t align with our true selves… and that instinct is the indication that a boundary may be necessary! The major challenges are, of course, that listening to and acting on that instinct are terrifying; you’ve been trained that speaking up or rocking the boat is “bad” or “wrong.”
Part of our work together is to change the association in your brain from “I’m a bad person if I live as my true self” to “it’s a loving act for me, and for others, to speak my truth.”
What we’ll work on:
Imagine a life where you can…
Perceive a mistake as an opportunity to learn and grow, rather than a reason to further the false belief that you’re a failure.
Feel proud of a task you completed without having to rush – even if it’s not perfect – rather than feel shame, anxiety, and stress because you procrastinated.
Assertively and respectfully navigate differences of opinion in a conflict.
Feel confident where your responsibility for your emotions ends, and where others’ responsibility for their emotions begins.
Honor realistic standards for yourself that aren’t based on other people’s expectations or opinions of you.
It’s time to invest in you.
Achieving excellence instead of perfection is possible.
Click the link below and complete the form. I will respond within one business day with available options for us to schedule a free 20-minute phone call. During our consultation, I’ll ask you to briefly share what led you to reach out, and I’ll also be more than happy to answer any questions you have. If you feel like I’m the right fit for your needs, we’ll wrap up our phone call by scheduling our first session and I’ll share what you can expect for the next steps.
FAQs
Frequently asked questions
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People-pleasing is often a learned coping mechanism that attempts to defend against feeling pain ourselves, by instead helping others feel better, resulting in attention, affection, or approval for ourselves.
There are many different factors that contribute to such a complex dynamic, so part of our work together will be to explore your past experiences and understand what resonates for you. That understanding helps to set you free from the past and make different decisions for your future.
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It can be, but people-pleasing isn’t always because of trauma. Certainly, experiences like conditional love, criticism and high expectations, neglect, control, or abandonment can lead to people-pleasing responses to get one’s needs met. Other factors, however, could be as broad as the culture or society someone is raised in, or as distinct as someone’s genes or personality traits.
The constellation of your experiences, intermingled with who you are as a person, is what’s most valuable in exploring your relationship with people-pleasing. If you’re curious about living life on your own terms, reach out for a free consultation to see if I might be able to help.
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Similar to people-pleasing (can you believe it?) perfectionism tends to be a learned response to internalized shame that typically begins in early childhood. Generally, perfectionistic behaviors attempt to satisfy our needs for control or autonomy, validation, or self-worth as a way to defend against that internalized shame.
Also similar to people-pleasing is the fact that there are many internal and external factors that shape how perfectionism plays out in our lives. If you resonate with either tendency, reach out to schedule a free consultation to see how I might be able to help.
live life on your own terms
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discover your purpose
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live life on your own terms - discover your purpose -